They Call Me Sloth

I am BEYOND pissed.

First of all, I had to work tonight which never happens on a Thursday.

Second of all, I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to cats.

So many people brought in their cat hair infested reusable bags today, that I could hardly function.

I found a massive hairball on this one lady's bag.

When I got outta work my eyes were itching like crazy.

Then, Sam so politely pointed out that my eye was insanely swollen.

Its disgusting to even look at.

I popped a few Claritin and have ice on it now, but this is what I look like.

 

pray for me. dont wanna look like this when i wake up. I WILL CRY.

One of those days..

You know one of those days where you just feel unhappy and nothing is going right? Yeah..well it's been more like "one of those weeks" for me.

Usually my grandma comes down to NH for two weeks during the summer. But lo-and-behold she's here in the middle of winter because she got a free plane ticket.

Don't get me wrong, I love her a lot, but sometimes she is just so damn annoying I can't stand to be aorund her.

I've been up in my room all day because I don't want to get annoyed by her. I'm hiding. Also because I'm not feeling very well and my bed is the only place I wanna be at the moment.

anyways, If any of you have a grandma from Wisconsin, or any other state that produces a person with a heavy, obnoxious accent, then you know what I'm talking about.

Its an accent you love making fun of when they're not around, but hearing it come straight out of their mouths makes you wanna rip your ears off just so you don't have to be tortured anymore.

Every time my grandma visits, she tells me and my sister that soon, we're going to get super fat just like her. Like...ok....that's a really awesome thing to tell your granddaughters. Just because you packed on a trillion pounds doesn't mean we will!

I dont know....I'm sure I'll have more to write about her later.

Learning about myself.

This exercise in class made me realize how uncreative I am, and also how negative I am about a lot of things. Needless to say, I learned a lot about myself through this.

EXERCISE:

"Name the following things. Imagine stories they might go in. Remember that tone is important, so choose both an earnest name and a farcical one." I just chose one name for all of them.

A desert town: Dry Plains. So generic. A 2 year old could've come up with this one.
A race horse: Lightning. Again, super predictable.
A literary magazine: Writers journal. Zzzzzzzzz... Oh sorry. Just falling asleep at how boring that is.
A new disease: This one was hard....I couldn't figure one out.
A rock band: The Split Ends. Only thought of this because I've been battling this issue for a while.
A summer cottage: Spruce lake. Gay.
Triplets: Sammy, Tammy, Jim. Poor Jim's name doesn't rhyme.
A Liqueur: Black velvet. Nothing sounds smoother than a black stripper name.
A beauty salon: Cut and Paste. You get your hair cut, and sometimes, you get more pasted on.
A New diet: The Air Diet. Nothing works quite as well as starving yourself.
A soap opera: Sad and Depressing. This should be the title of every soap opera.
A football team: The Losers. I hate sports. 'Nough said.
A diner: Dingo's. Diners remind me of a hillbilly cooking up roadkill. I imagine this hillbilly's name would be Dingo.
A new religion: Disnetarianism. Basing all of your religious views off of the values taught in Disney stories.
A new planet: Zortog. Pretty sure I heard this on a tv show. I'm unoriginal.
A polluted river: Shitbed Creek. Nothin' says polluted river more than one full of shit.
Poetry collection: Look At Me! I'm Deep and Philosophical. Poetry bores me.
A Chihuahua: Pico.
A Burglar: Coon-bandit. I think of the Hamburglar. He had a mask on. Looked like a raccoon.
Bar: Porcelain Bus. That's what you'll be driving when you get home.
Lipstick Color: "Prostitute Red" and "I Just Ate A Powdered Donut" white. Lovely colors.
A Yacht: Money Bags. Nothing is more douchey than someone with a yacht called Money Bags.

Creative Writing.

So today in my Creative Writing class, we were given a number of exercises to help us build a solid character for a story. This one was my favorite:

THE EXERCISE:

"Write a page in the first person, assuming the voice of someone of the oposite gender. This can be a description, a narrative, or a segment of autobiography. The main point is to completely lose yourself and become another."

Heres how I approached this.

"I'm just so awkward when it comes to girls. They're so pretty and they smell so nice, whenever they try to talk to me, I just freeze up like a friggen popsicle. No wonder no girls take any interest in me. I wouldn't date me either. My pants are too short, I walk like a fucking squirrel skipping through a field of flowers, and my voice sounds like that fat guy's from E! News. Just not appealing whatsoever. I dated this one girl. First girl to ever take an interest in me. Super gorgeous. I thought I had to be the luckiest guy in the world. I even showed up at her house at six in the morning drunk with my friend and threw snowballs at her bedroom window. How romantic is that?

VERY.

Then, a week later, she dumped me.

What's up with that?

Maybe I'm just too intimidating.

Maybe I should tone it down.

Who wouldnt want to date me? My GPA is practically non-existent and I have no future goals for myself!

I'm awesome!"

Nailed it!